Late birthday post...

I tried to get this post up on her birthday, but blogger was messed up the night I tried to do it and through the next morning, too, so I couldn't. And then after I missed the official date of her birth, the intensity in getting it done decreased a bit. Just that it got done was important, so here I am.

Beth's birthday was May 12th. However, that day actually isn't as significant to me as Mother's Day in remembering her, because it was on Mother's Day that we found out she was gone and that she had quietly slipped away to be with Jesus. And that Mother's Day of her passing has forever changed my Mother's Days since. So grateful, so blessed with the two that I have still here, but so desperately missing her. Kind of like the Scripture that talks about the 99 sheep and the 1 that is missing, ya know? I have light and shadows all rolled up in one on Mother's Day now....

I was taking The Bob's mom home after Mother's Day activities while he and the kids stayed home and worked in the garden. After I dropped her off, I decided to stop by the cemetery where Beth was buried as it's only about 5 minutes or less away. The thoughts rolled through my mind on my way there that I was such a loser mom because I hadn't been in forever and it had been forever since I had put flowers on her grave. Her grave was surely bare. And what kind of mom, what good mom, goes years without putting flowers on her child's grave? I only can make myself feel better knowing she's always, always in my heart and she's really with Jesus anyway. All these thoughts rolling, and then I see it. Oh my....


Somebody put flowers there! I actually think they may have blown off another's grave and someone just put them in one of her vases. But when I drove up and saw them, my heart caught. And aren't they perfect for a little girl? White. Pink. Pink ribbon. Perfect. All I can think is that the Lord cares so much more deeply than we remember sometimes...and He covered for this "loser mom" making sure my baby had flowers...and He reminded this "loser mom" that He has held me the whole time since her passing...and while the Scripture says that the one with 99 sheep will go looking for the lost one, I need not wonder or look for Beth. She's with Jesus.....

Just because...

It was late. He gets home late a lot. Work does that to us. Sometimes we don't know if we own a business or if it owns us. But it was late, and I was hungry. I looked to see if he would sit in the driveway and finish up his day on the phone, and who knows how long that could take, and I was hungry. But just as I was thinking I'd go ahead and start eating without him, I saw the outside dark. No truck lights, no cell phone lights, and I knew that it meant he was coming in. And I was hungry. And he came in with a big, colorful, beautiful hydrangea and a card. Just because....



And then I forgot how hungry I was. Taken back by the beauty of that hydrangea, the perfect words on the card, and that he did it all just because. I often don't feel worthy of just because...

The next morning I was fetching some work he had brought home for me and left in his truck. And as I was digging through, I saw it. The Love Dare. Remember that book made hugely popular by the movie, Fireproof? And I knew. I knew. I knew that he had completed Day 1 with those flowers and card....which actually made them that much more special. Because everybody and their brother was reading and going through that book a few years ago. But we rather didn't get to it and let it sit on a shelf. And he's grabbed that book off the shelf, and he's not going through it because everybody else is or because it's part of a church marriage builder, but he's doing it just because....just because....he loves me....

I didn't tell him I found the book. I knew he probably wanted to go through it quietly himself. And when I told him that I had gotten the work from his truck, the look on his face told me that, indeed, he wanted to go through the book quietly...just because he loves me....

U.S. South tornadoes response | World Vision

I went online to make our monthly contribution to Rohit in India. And then I watched this on their site. And I cried. I cried over their circumstances, but I think I cried more over my selfishness. Earlier I had been making sure that the kids knew what I wanted for Mother's Day. A new comforter for our bed. I've been lusting over a new comforter for about six months now. Ours is getting old and worn, and I think it's about six years old or maybe more...I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. Because it still keeps me warm at night. How in the world can I now recieve such a gift when others, my neighbors right here in Mississippi, have lost....everything...



“You only have what you give away. All that you’ll ever have is only what you’ve shared” ~ Ann Voskamp

James 3: A Story

This was shown at church last year. Sadly, my family has gone to church this way. I dare say many families on many Sundays go to church this way. Watch and be convicted as I was...

It's Friday...it is only Friday...

Making room for one more...or three...

The theme for this DNOW this year was "degrees". The speaker said that if you looked up the word degrees that the definition would define it as a point of reference or point of intensity...or something like that. I'm too lazy to look it up right now :) So, the theme for the weekend, "Where are you in your level of intensity with the Lord?"

Our youth pastor, Jay, contacted me Saturday before the event and asked if 10 girls and 3 leaders would be too many for me and was it ok with me. Please keep in mind they stay overnight for the weekend on Friday and Saturday. My house is smallish...by today's standards. Approximately 1800 sq. ft. Jay did try to keep the groups to 6-8 kids, but I thought 2 more won't be too bad. So, I said it would be fine. We were really only talking 2 more kids, right?

Wednesday evening I did not make it to church and late Wednesday evening one of the youth leaders called and said, "I have 3 more girls that really need to be at DNOW. Jay will not add them without you and The Bob saying it is ok. Can they please come?" My first reaction (which I kept to myself): "Are you SERIOUS?! Where in the world am I going to put 3 more people? Do you realize that would be a total of SIXTEEN PEOPLE with 13 girls and 3 leaders?" But I couldn't shake that the youth leader said it was a "need". I couldn't stand the thought of being a roadblock to the Lord working in somebody's life. Not that the Lord needs me or my house to do what He will, but you get the point. So, I said, while feeling a bit overwhelmed, "Sure! We'll find somewhere to put them."

Last time I said popular or unpopular we all just need Jesus. Well, these 3 girls added did need Jesus. And one of those three girls...was saved! And when I found out, I was so completely overwhelmed, so completely blessed, and so completely beside myself that we made room....we made room for 3 more...and it made even my level of itensity with Jesus rise :)

DNOW

photo credit

I decided I would serve. And I spent the better part of the week cleaning and getting ready. I think I should have been in prayer more. For their hearts. The evening was here and I met my crew. They were girls of all kinds spending the whole weekend in my home for DNOW (church youth event). Actually, they are still here, and I have a gazillion things to do, but I'm writing this instead. So, I can remember. They are all pre-teen and early teen in age, and there are sweet girls, pretty girls, popular girls, and unpopular girls. And it's one of unpopular girls who seems to have taken me back a bit. I should have a special place in my heart for unpopular girls...as I was unpopular, too. This girl is slow. Like you could tell she is maybe a special needs. And so I'm trying to make it a point to not cast her off. I think I need to try harder. They are all at church now with their leader going through there sessions and small community mission projects, and so I began to tidy up a bit. I'm just saying having 13 girls and 3 leaders in your home and spending the night for the weekend...in your small home...well, it's an excellent way to give up yourself. Anyway, I'm tidying, and putting things up. And I come upon the unpopular girls stuff. It's worn and not new and fancy like some of the other girls things. And I should have a special place in my heart for girls like that cause I grew up on the poor side and didn't always have new or fancy. I move her stuff over so I can get in a closet to put some things away. I look down and see him...or her. It's mostly covered but I can just see it enough, and I pull it out. A stuffed animal so worn and loved. And I don't know why but tears filled my eyes? Well, I do know why. In a time when pre-teen and teen girls are so past the stuffed animal stage, this young girl is not. I wonder what the popular girls, way too cool for stuffed animals would say. Well, nothing because it is a church event, but I can't help but have my heart filled by her, her tattered things, and that worn out stuffed animal.

So, I'm off. Off to pray for these young ladies in the making. And I'll pray earnestly for them all...knowing that whether unpopular or popular...we just all really need Jesus.

1000 Gifts...

In my journey through, Ann's book 1000 Gifts, I'm realizing as Ann says that this level of thankfulness is really a learned behavior. And I'm not talking about the thankfulness that we are all accustomed to in our shallow thankful behaviors, I'm talking about this deep, Jesus like, eucharisteo thankfulness. And so early in my journey I feel a bit faltering. This past month has been a bear. Hurt feelings. Disappointments. Loneliness. Wrong attitudes. Last night as I dumped all that on The Bob, poor Bob, I made the comment before we turned out the light, "Here I am reading a book on recognizing 1000 Gifts and here I am griping about everything." Yes Ann is right. This level of thankfulness, this eucharisteo surely is a learned behavior...and one that takes consistent practice.

I also wonder...Ann talks about how ungratefulness started in the Garden of Eden with Adam, Eve, and the serpent. I wonder am I not only struggling against my flesh, but does the deceiver show up at just this time to discourage me in this journey? I wonder.

But I will not be set back by me and my flesh or the serpent. So, I press on to 1000 gifts...

137. Dog squeaking toy in the background
138. Spring buds forming on winter tree
139. That in loneliness I can draw to Him
140. Life is full of "seasons" that cannot be recreated...only enjoyed
141. Ahsleigh’s laugh
142. A pot of chili, thick like a stew…reminds me of my favorites Little House and the Walton’s
143. Steam rising from a simmering pot
144. Laughter so full you can’t breathe
145. Afternoon treats
146. Evening talks
147. Fresh sheets on the bed

Finding what you want in what you give...

Every year I expected it. On my birthday, especially on my birthday. On Mother's Day. On Valentine's day. I wanted to be treated and feel like the most special person ever. Ever. And saying that now just sounds so...selfish.

Every year he never expected it. Never. Not on his birthday, not on Father's Day, not on Valentine's Day. He was content and expected little except maybe a card or some small something. But no big day long celebration of him.

But this year, I did it for him. I took the focus off of me and focused on him. His birthday was more than it's been ever, I think. And it wasn't that it took a lot of money or a grand present. It was just little things throughout the course of two days. A table set fancy, confetti, a special text or two at work, his favorite Chinese dinner. It was two days of celebrating him. And he felt so special. I know it cause he told me that night. I gave what I always want. And in the giving I found what I had been looking for all along. I felt loved and special right along with him. And this morning I find these words to be the truest....

“You only have what you give away. All that you’ll ever have is only what you’ve shared”

~ Ann Voskamp

The blue balloon...

We had been coloring. Fep reminded me I had not colored with her in several years. But a cute Winnie the Pooh coloring book in the dollar section at Target compelled me to dust off my Crayolas. And I sat there with her. She admired my coloring thinking me the queen of the Crayola. And I soaked in her love.

The next day Fep was back to coloring on her own, and she colored a picture of Christopher Robin handing Pooh a balloon. The balloon was blue and I immediately thought, "Not sure that's the color I would have chosen." Moose followed that thought with, "Fepper, why did you color the balloon blue. It's supposed t0 be red." And then we all had a big discussion on the color of the balloon in the Disney Winnie the Pooh that first aired in the late 60's. I agreed with Moose that it was red. Fep insisted it was blue. Moose dug through the old VHS's and found that first Disney made Pooh. On the back of the box was several pictures from the movie...one of Pooh on his blue balloon. I said, "Well, it may be blue on the back of the box, but I really think that's just on the box and it's red in the movie."

A night later, we piled in my bed, coloring book, Crayolas, and a bit of excitement in hand, and watched that Pooh video. And what do you know, but the balloon is blue. I asked Fepper if she looked at the box or if she just remembered it was blue. She said she just remembered it. And for some reason that filled my heart. I think it's that Fep is going to be 13 this year and to know that as she's growing that her little girl days are still in her memory and in her heart makes my heart filled with it all.....