Grace covered regrets....

My Daddy has been gone for over 10 years and just last week the last of his things were brought to me. The last few things of his left at the nursing home. Two boxes. The first box...pictures of his grandchildren which bring immediate tears to my eyes and some laughter too as I shuffle through the photos. The second box...old glasses, scraps of paper, cards. And other pictures. Most of people I didn't know. And that made me sad. Who were these people that loved on my Daddy when I could not and did not?

Ann Voskamp once said that sometimes it seems that life is best lived in reverse. Going through that box is one of those moments. If I could go back, I would have loved on my Daddy more. Even though....even though his alcoholism made him unlovable. But I cannot go back, so I'm left with regret that I know is covered by Grace.  Thankful for that Grace.  Thank you Jesus.

I am thankful that through forgiveness I can talk to my children about the good things about my Daddy.  I don't sugar coat it.  They know.  They know about the alcoholism and hardship.  But they know more, much more, about forgiveness and grace that focuses on the times when he was sober.

Pancake memories...

As mentioned in a past post, my Daddy was an alcoholic. Looking past that, looking to the sober times, there are memories to be cherished. And one of the things I talk about often are his pancakes. That they were so yummy. That he cut them into perfect squares and triangles. I was with my brother (pictured with Fep above) recently, and something came up about Daddy, and he mentioned Dad's pancakes. I smiled and commented, and he said, "You know that's about all we have left of Dad are his pancakes." And while I can remember more good things about my Daddy than just pancakes, my brother confirmed our love of his pancakes.

This Christmas my brother came over early Christmas morning because he wanted to cook my Daddy's pancakes for us. I have to say I never knew the exact recipe until this year. I've always just used a box mix when I make them. And the pancakes my brother made were good, but I have to say....they didn't taste like I remembered. And I think I like the box mix better. And that made me sad. Cause those pancakes were the bomb diggity (yes, I just said bomb diggity) growing up, and with my Daddy's alcoholic history, I did cherish that memory of when he made those. But then I realized that's whats really important anyway. It's the memories. It's the good memories not the actual taste of the pancakes themselves. And now with the memories of my Daddy and pancakes, I also have a sweet memory of my brother, too. He was so pleased with himself cooking up those special pancakes for us. And it was all done in much love....love for me, love for my children, and love for that special memory of my Daddy.

The Heart that Forgives....

Goodness I love that picture of my Daddy. He was quite a looker, don't you think? Years ago, I may not have had quite the same sentiment. His undeniable good looks would have been clouded in my eyes by anger...and even worse, bitterness. Bitterness. My Daddy was an alcoholic. He drank from the time I was born until the time he was put in a nursing home for the last few years of his life. He drank for over 30 years. He caused a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain.

When The Bob and I married, I would hardly speak of my Daddy. I could barely stand to think about him. The Bob and I were having a conversation in which he was trying to figure it out. The Bob came from an extremely stable home, so he just didn't get it. And it was during that conversation that I exploded. Almost literally. Every bit of pain and hurt surfaced, and I unleashed it all on my husband. It needed to happen though, because I had been in complete denial about my anger which was taking root to bitterness. So that was the starting point, and over the next several months, the LORD began to soften me and work forgiveness into my heart. Freeing. Absolute freedom.

So while Kat with the bitter heart would have not seen the man with twinkling eyes so adoringly, the heart that has forgiven sees a man who she misses very much. The heart that forgives remembers his sober times....his charm...his jokes and laughter...his good common sense...his hard work ethic...his love for cornbread and buttermilk...Yes, the heart that has forgiven misses him a lot.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Forgiveness is so worth unwrapping...