Fish are friends not food....

So, I have once again joined Weight Watchers. About 3 years ago I joined and lost 20 or so pounds. Fast forward to now and I gained all that back plus some. Once I reached "maintenance" I got all lazy about going in to weigh. It was all down hill after that. A pound here. Two pounds there. And so on...

Weight Watchers works for me because:

1. I hate paying for it. I'm a frugal wannabe kind of gal, and if I'm paying hard earned cash lose that weight, I'm going to stick to it. Once you hit maintenance on Weight Watchers for 6 weeks you don't have to pay the fees any longer. I had just gotten to free three years ago, and I quit going..

2. It makes me accountable. Nothing like standing on a scale for somebody every week.

3. I can still have a treat. Last week I lost 1.4 lbs and that was with all the good holiday eating.

4. It's rather fun. Seriously. Fun. Those meetings are cheesy and corny and motivational all rolled in one.

After the first meeting, the kids and I decided the meetings felt something like this scene from Finding Nemo:

Hello. My name is Kathy. I am a nice person not a mindless eating machine. It has been three weeks since my last Krispy Kreme ;)

Tebow and Voskamp

What could Tim Tebow and Ann Voskamp possibly have in common?

One person extremely famous. One person with only moderate fame. But both with a passion for Jesus.

Then I read it early in the morning. A story on students getting suspended for "Tebowing". I couldn't help but walk away from the article thinking, "I wonder if his message is getting lost. Are we starting to bow before Tebow instead of bowing before Christ?"

I leave the article to check email where daily I get Ann Voskamp's daily blog post. She never ceases to challenge. She never ceases to touch my heart. She never ceases to make me want to seek a little harder after Christ. And sometimes, dare I say it? I'd really like to be like her.

Then the thoughts hit hard...."You should not want to be like Ann Voskamp. You should want to be like the One she emulates. Just like the Tebow thing." She's only trying to point to the Cross and not herself. She's just daily trying to empty herself of herself. And it comes hard. But when we truly seek Christ, when we truly want to look more like Him, we have to abandon self. Self dies hard. Putting off idols. Putting off self. Putting on Jesus......

Hope for the outcast....

For some reason lately, I've been thinking a lot about who I am and how I am. That I grew up being extremely introverted and shy. That I've walked a lot in the shadow of others. That I was rather an outcast in high school. I had been thinking on these things, and during our sermon a couple of weeks ago, our pastor made the comment, "God calls us be ourselves. Stop wishing you were someone else." And my heart broke, as I have many times wished I was like someone else. Prettier. Smarter. Wittier. More talented (any talent would be good). More outgoing. That night in our small group, one of the youth in our group talked about how he thought a good thing to do was to go to that person who sits alone at school and talk with them. Later in the conversation, The Bob encouraged that young man to do just that if it was on his heart. And The Bob said, "I married an introverted and shy girl who spent her time at school alone." And my eyes welled with tears barely able to maintain my composure as others in the group looked and stared at me. Even as I type it now, my eyes fill. Wounds have healed but scars remain. And there is the wonder of who the Lord has turned me into and the friendships that I now have.

Then yesterday, through blog hopping I ended up at a blog of a fellow church member. And she talked about how her heart broke for her middle school aged son who it sounds like is enduring similar to what I did all through school. I don't even know this family and my heart broke for him. Because I've been there. Because I know. If I could talk with him, I would tell him you'll grow up. You'll find your place over time. You'll have great friends. And stay grounded in the Lord and choose friends who are grounded in the Lord and you'll be amazed at how you are blessed by those friendships. I'd tell him that me the shy and outcast girl in her school ended up marrying the most popular boy in his school! Funny how the Lord works those things out. I'd tell him it really is just a season and that those school years seem like they will go on forever, but they are just a blink. And although his middle school aged youth may keep him from seeing what a mature 42 years allow me to see...I'd tell him what really matters, what really matters most, is who we are in Christ. He is the hope for the outcast.

Just get in....

This post. This post is mostly a picture post. And the pictures, as always, are beautiful. But the first three sentences sink down deep.

"Sometimes you just have to get into the boat. Because getting in the boat comes before you get to walk on water. Every miracle always begins with the first ordinary step of faithfulness." ~ Ann Voskamp

And my heart is heavy and I wonder how many times I pass by the boat or just plain refuse to get in? Am I faithful enough? Am I obedient enough? And what miracles do I miss because I miss the boat?

Oh Jesus, help me today. Help me to just get in the boat. You'll do the rest......

Words in print...

When I was wearing my Micah 6:8 necklace and friends saw it for the first time, they all immediately commented and asked. So I shared where it came from and why Micah 6:8. And it had dawned on me as I had been wearing it and I shared with them that when you wear scripture around your neck...and it's your husband's verse...it's kinda hard to be irritated, aggravated, frustrated, or have anything other than super loving thoughts about your husband. Not that The Bob would ever do anything to irritate or frustrate me ;) As I am a self confessed moody person, I was having a moody moment this past Saturday, and I giggled and said, "I think I need to go put on my Micah 6:8 necklace." After the bear of a stressful day on Tuesday, I was thinking I just needed to take a rope and wear the Bible around my neck. Seriously.

There is just something about words in print. I have recently noticed I can sing worship songs all week long. And I do, in fact, listen to worship and praise music on my iPod almost daily. But put the words in print in front of me on an overhead at church or just looking at lyrics on the computer along with the music....seeing it and verbalizing it...it seeps down into my heart in the crevices that are dry or hurting...and it hydrates and heals...And as I type, I think about reading scripture out loud or just looking at the words meditating....and yes, there is just something about words in print...especially His Word...

For the days in between...

I surely hope I never come across that I think I have arrived or that I have it all together. Because goodness knows, I don't. I. do. not. A good number of posts that go up are my "happy" and "let's make sure I remember this" posts. But there are the days in between. And some of those days are just so ordinary that they are unbloggable. And then there are those days like yesterday. A day that tears run down a good bit of the day. Struggling with the the burdens and weight of life, the consequences of sin that are far reaching in ways you'd never imagine, and struggling with offering grace for that sin. A day of feeling the weight of knowing that I know that Grace personally and why can't I offer it as freely as He offers it to me? Trying to hard to get there.

I read a quote today by Emily Freeman that said, "Grace doesn't balance out...or marry law. And that can be uncomfortable. If grace doesn't in some way and on some level offend you, then perhaps you haven't met Jesus." I had to think about that for a while. I had to let it sink in. And I think maybe I get it now? Grace isn't always fair. Actually, grace may never be fair. Extending grace is hard and uncomfortable. Particularly the kind of grace that Jesus extends to us...to me. But Jesus doesn't call us to comfort. And sometimes we are just plain ole going to have the days in between...the days that hurt...the days that are uncomfortable. And His Love and His Grace are in those days, too...and He will get me to the point that I can extend His Grace to those as undeserving as me.

Yes. His Love and Grace are especially for the days in between.

Micah 6:8

(Isn't that the cutest and sweetest? I got it yesterday, and I wore it for the first time today. I LOVE it. And I got this one for a gift. The Adpot Shoppe on Etsy. Go browse her stuff!)

After browsing The Adpot Shoppe site, I knew immediately I wanted this. Right after we were married, Micah 6:8 became The Bob's verse, his "life verse". I remember him saying, almost 16 years ago, "You know it's really simple what we are supposed to do. All the Lord really wants from us is Micah 6:8". We had it framed and years later when it was broken, I had it newly printed and framed for him for Christmas. And it still sits there on his side of the dresser today. So, I got the necklace/pendant out of my love for Him and for him.

I picked it up and rubbed it all day today. I had to go into work as we are extremely short handed at the office. So, it was just me and The Bob there today. And our service techs, but they aren't IN the office. Today, when we had a disagreement over an employee and an excessive amount of time taken off (long story) and I being irritated and down right put out with the employee and him ever patient...and when I went through some statements to send out and came across one in particular he wanted redone so that it did not show a past due notice...even though it is past due...I just started to giggle, and I thought about the level of mercy he has. And then as I was working I remembered him telling us, me and the kids, not too terribly long ago...."I would rather be the one who is taken advantage of. I would rather be the one who comes out on the short end. I would rather be the one put out." He would rather make himself less...to make others more. And for this Christlike quality, I am most grateful.

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" ~ Micah 6:8

A Mighty Fortress...

Worship I never ever get tired of. And take note Heathahlee, should something tragic happen to me, and I die...please sing this at my funeral. Okay? :)

Beauty....

So, Fep and I have began our journey through her birthday book Uncompromising: A Heart Changed by Radical Love. The first chapter was on Beauty and all that encompasses including looks and weight. And I was very surprised at the conversation it spurred between Fep and I. I've known of her own insecurities with her looks, but I was surprised as she began to share with me of her friends insecurities as well. Cause good Christian girls should be confident in who they are in the Lord, right? Foolish my thinking. Good Christian girls are real girls.

It's not surprising that I have know and have known several adults, friends and family, that have succumbed to plastic surgery in some form or fashion. To be honest, I have my own struggles with body parts in this aging 41 year old body! I have to constantly remind myself of Proverbs 31:30. And I know. I know it's all vanity.

Where does it stop? When will our society's focus on beauty end? When we all, even us good Christians, start focusing on what true beauty is.

"Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

1 Peter 3:3-4

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

Thirteen....

The Bob calls an infant carrier/carseat a "baby basket". And it always makes me smile when I hear him say, "Fep, I can still remember the day we brought a little dark hair baby girl home in a baby basket!" Believe it or not she had head full of almost black hair when she was born. And today that little blonde haired girl turns 13. Today she turns 13? Really? It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home in a baby basket. All the time in between seems to have passed just that quickly...from yesterday to today. And I'll blink my eyes, and then she'll be 18. It hurts my Mom heart to see her grow up and away, and at the same time, I can't wait to see the woman that the LORD fashions her to be! Why is watching your children grow up so heart filling and so heartbreaking all at the same time?

She's changing so very fast. Her own thoughts, her own opinions, her own ideas. Sometimes I like her budding independence. Sometimes I want her to be 7 years old again. I miss the days of My Little Ponies that have now been replaced with with an iPod. She's in between really....one minute she's playing with Legos and the next minute she asks me at what age can she wear makeup? The makeup question...it blindsided me. So, over the next several and very short years, I hope to continue to expand on teaching that we started when she was just a little little girl. The purity book we've read since she was just a little girl was The Princess Kiss, and now she's ready for a "big girl" purity book, and we'll read over the course of the next several weeks Uncompromising: A Heart Changed by Radical Love. Purity, Modesty, Real Beauty, Biblical Womanhood... all so very lost in our society. I'm so grateful that she truly has a heart for the LORD and she will continue to embrace that teaching, I believe.

Today she turns 13. So, we will celebrate today with family and friends and gifts and cake. There will be lots of excitement and lots of laughter in this day. There will also be lots of love.....and to be honest there will be a corner of my heart that aches just a bit as I try to soak it all in......

Beach Blast!

I did not sign up to work VBS. I worked it last year and found myself extremely stressed by the time it took and not being able to take care of my responsibilities at my job or home. Mainly my job. So, this year I decided I wouldn't do it. I have had a year to learn how to handle working, homeschooling, keeping my home, etc., etc., but I thought I just don't want that stress again. Long story short...our children's pastor plugged me in and I couldn't say no because I knew he must really need help if he plugged me in before he actually talked to me. I determined not to be stressed cause it's only a week, right? I determined to have a good attitude, serve well, serve happy. I made the devotions led by the children's pastor before we began in the morning. And you know what? Attitude is everything. VBS blessed my socks off. My house is a wreck and dirty. My work didn't get done on this day. But tomorrow is Saturday and all that will be caught up tomorrow. Anyway, every single day my heart was touched by something that brought me to tears. At times, it was almost embarrassing cause I mean what adult cries at VBS? Today, I thought I had made it. A couple of things blessed my heart, but not to the point of tears. We were literally about to pull in my driveway when the following conversation happened:

Moose: Mom, you know the lady that always is helping Conner? ((Conner is autistic, and "that lady" is his Mom))

Me: Yeah. I know who she is.

Moose: Well, today at the end of Bible Class she thanked all of our class for being so kind and so open to Conner and treating him so well. She said never had any group of children treated him so kind before and accepted him. And she started crying.

Me: ((tears flood eyes, can barely talk)) Awwwwww. That is so sweet....

So, I didn't make it today. I got all misty and verklempt again. Moose is in 4th grade and was in the biggest class in VBS this year. They ran anywhere from 20-25 children, and 75% of them were boys. So, for a group of children to open their hearts to the "different" child....well, it still makes me misty.....

Oh, and Beach Blast! was our VBS theme this year :)

Losing my cool...

This post caught my eye, mind, and heart the Saturday morning I read it. I happen to very much agree with the post. I do believe there is a movement of coolness in church that is watering down the Gospel.

Hours later I had to go to Walmart wearing a t-shirt that happened to be a Chrisitan t-shirt...if I can remember...maybe even from my church. Not that what I was wearing was important, but I was branding myself with that t-shirt. Anyway, our small Mississippi town has it's very own "Rain Man". And I hope you know the Dustin Hoffman character to which I am referring. Our Rain Man's name is Michael. He is a mid 30's black man who loves children...and I mean LOVES children...never meets a stranger...and his special gift is that he can tell you the day of the week that you were born. Tell him your birthday by month, day, and year and he can tell you within seconds the day of the week you were born. It's quite amazing. And most every one in town I think knows Michael by now. So, Moose and I were in Walmart and out of nowhere there is Michael. He grabs Moose for a hug, and begins to start up a conversation...very loudly. I could feel every eye at the check out area on me, and I was wishing he'd really go away. It did not take me too long from leaving the store to realize I was too cool...or so I thought...to engage Michael without worrying about the others around me. And my heart sank at my shallowness. Had I not earlier just read about being too cool? Remember that when you obtain wisdom and knowledge that you are accountable for it. After reading and agreeing with that post, I was then accountable for it.



This is a R movie and I don't think this will have anything offensive in it as it's just the trailer for the movie. Dustin Hoffman's character just reminds me so much of Michael...I hope to see Michael again, soon. And next time, I hope I'm completely uncool.

The better part...

I had been thinking about her. She's growing so fast...probably only about 5 years now before she's leaving the nest. Five very short, blink of an eye years. I had been thinking about her and how so very much like me she is. Shy. Introverted. And unfortunately...moody. But then I thought about her spirit...tender, soft, moldable. She's so much more than I was at her age. If you took her tender age of almost 13, it took me another 10 years to my life to yield what the Holy Spirit is creating in her. And then I thought, "She's the better part of me." And then life happened and she argued with her brother and had a moody moment and the better part of me seemed to be not so much better.

Days later, she was exerting a bit of a pre-teen, growing pains kind of attitude, and it really got next to me. As her little body is already in puberty, and hormonal changes abound, I thought, "This is crazy. She has got to be close to getting her monthly visitor!" There were tears and a lot of them, but I knew I was right, and I would not be swayed by her pre-teen tantrum. I left her to herself to gather herself and regroup. I went a while later to check on her, and she opened her bedroom door with big eyes that were obviously still wet. I thought to myself, "You have got to be kidding me? Are we still not over this?" And I asked her, "Are you still crying?" And then that better part showed up. In a blubbering mess of her little self she said, "I am so sorry! I am so embarrassed by how ugly I've acted. That's why I've stayed in my room. I've been too embarrassed to come out because of how I acted." I scooped her up with a big hug and a kiss on the head and told her all was forgiven. She's definitely the better part. Definitely. So much more tender to the Holy Spirit, humility, and repentance than I ever thought about being at her age. I wasn't really taught those things though as I didn't grow up in a Christ centered home. But nevertheless, she's me, and she is the better part....

Be small...

Her words always touch me. Always move me. And I don't know if I read them in a post on her site or if it was off of my DaySpring dayminder taken from her book, One Thousand Gifts. And it doesn't really matter which it was. Only that I found them. And that I needed them. The words?


"Bend the knee...be small...and let God give what He wants to give..." ~ Ann Voskamp

I could not get them out of my head yesterday. Be small. Or today. Be small. When I want to complain and complain that my feelings are hurt....be small. When I want to justify my emotions and attitude...be small. When it's not fun or anything that you would look forward to, but it's the *right* thing to do.....be small. Maybe so many feelings would not be hurt, maybe such high expectations would not be put on friendships, and maybe I'd keep my attitude and heart in check if only I would be small. What keeps me from being small? Pride. Self. What keeps me from wanting to accept what God gives? For being thankful for what He gives? The same.

Today I'm small...and I will be thankful for what He gives.....

"He must increase, but I must decrease" ~ John 3:30

Late birthday post...

I tried to get this post up on her birthday, but blogger was messed up the night I tried to do it and through the next morning, too, so I couldn't. And then after I missed the official date of her birth, the intensity in getting it done decreased a bit. Just that it got done was important, so here I am.

Beth's birthday was May 12th. However, that day actually isn't as significant to me as Mother's Day in remembering her, because it was on Mother's Day that we found out she was gone and that she had quietly slipped away to be with Jesus. And that Mother's Day of her passing has forever changed my Mother's Days since. So grateful, so blessed with the two that I have still here, but so desperately missing her. Kind of like the Scripture that talks about the 99 sheep and the 1 that is missing, ya know? I have light and shadows all rolled up in one on Mother's Day now....

I was taking The Bob's mom home after Mother's Day activities while he and the kids stayed home and worked in the garden. After I dropped her off, I decided to stop by the cemetery where Beth was buried as it's only about 5 minutes or less away. The thoughts rolled through my mind on my way there that I was such a loser mom because I hadn't been in forever and it had been forever since I had put flowers on her grave. Her grave was surely bare. And what kind of mom, what good mom, goes years without putting flowers on her child's grave? I only can make myself feel better knowing she's always, always in my heart and she's really with Jesus anyway. All these thoughts rolling, and then I see it. Oh my....


Somebody put flowers there! I actually think they may have blown off another's grave and someone just put them in one of her vases. But when I drove up and saw them, my heart caught. And aren't they perfect for a little girl? White. Pink. Pink ribbon. Perfect. All I can think is that the Lord cares so much more deeply than we remember sometimes...and He covered for this "loser mom" making sure my baby had flowers...and He reminded this "loser mom" that He has held me the whole time since her passing...and while the Scripture says that the one with 99 sheep will go looking for the lost one, I need not wonder or look for Beth. She's with Jesus.....

Just because...

It was late. He gets home late a lot. Work does that to us. Sometimes we don't know if we own a business or if it owns us. But it was late, and I was hungry. I looked to see if he would sit in the driveway and finish up his day on the phone, and who knows how long that could take, and I was hungry. But just as I was thinking I'd go ahead and start eating without him, I saw the outside dark. No truck lights, no cell phone lights, and I knew that it meant he was coming in. And I was hungry. And he came in with a big, colorful, beautiful hydrangea and a card. Just because....



And then I forgot how hungry I was. Taken back by the beauty of that hydrangea, the perfect words on the card, and that he did it all just because. I often don't feel worthy of just because...

The next morning I was fetching some work he had brought home for me and left in his truck. And as I was digging through, I saw it. The Love Dare. Remember that book made hugely popular by the movie, Fireproof? And I knew. I knew. I knew that he had completed Day 1 with those flowers and card....which actually made them that much more special. Because everybody and their brother was reading and going through that book a few years ago. But we rather didn't get to it and let it sit on a shelf. And he's grabbed that book off the shelf, and he's not going through it because everybody else is or because it's part of a church marriage builder, but he's doing it just because....just because....he loves me....

I didn't tell him I found the book. I knew he probably wanted to go through it quietly himself. And when I told him that I had gotten the work from his truck, the look on his face told me that, indeed, he wanted to go through the book quietly...just because he loves me....

U.S. South tornadoes response | World Vision

I went online to make our monthly contribution to Rohit in India. And then I watched this on their site. And I cried. I cried over their circumstances, but I think I cried more over my selfishness. Earlier I had been making sure that the kids knew what I wanted for Mother's Day. A new comforter for our bed. I've been lusting over a new comforter for about six months now. Ours is getting old and worn, and I think it's about six years old or maybe more...I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. Because it still keeps me warm at night. How in the world can I now recieve such a gift when others, my neighbors right here in Mississippi, have lost....everything...



“You only have what you give away. All that you’ll ever have is only what you’ve shared” ~ Ann Voskamp

James 3: A Story

This was shown at church last year. Sadly, my family has gone to church this way. I dare say many families on many Sundays go to church this way. Watch and be convicted as I was...

It's Friday...it is only Friday...

Making room for one more...or three...

The theme for this DNOW this year was "degrees". The speaker said that if you looked up the word degrees that the definition would define it as a point of reference or point of intensity...or something like that. I'm too lazy to look it up right now :) So, the theme for the weekend, "Where are you in your level of intensity with the Lord?"

Our youth pastor, Jay, contacted me Saturday before the event and asked if 10 girls and 3 leaders would be too many for me and was it ok with me. Please keep in mind they stay overnight for the weekend on Friday and Saturday. My house is smallish...by today's standards. Approximately 1800 sq. ft. Jay did try to keep the groups to 6-8 kids, but I thought 2 more won't be too bad. So, I said it would be fine. We were really only talking 2 more kids, right?

Wednesday evening I did not make it to church and late Wednesday evening one of the youth leaders called and said, "I have 3 more girls that really need to be at DNOW. Jay will not add them without you and The Bob saying it is ok. Can they please come?" My first reaction (which I kept to myself): "Are you SERIOUS?! Where in the world am I going to put 3 more people? Do you realize that would be a total of SIXTEEN PEOPLE with 13 girls and 3 leaders?" But I couldn't shake that the youth leader said it was a "need". I couldn't stand the thought of being a roadblock to the Lord working in somebody's life. Not that the Lord needs me or my house to do what He will, but you get the point. So, I said, while feeling a bit overwhelmed, "Sure! We'll find somewhere to put them."

Last time I said popular or unpopular we all just need Jesus. Well, these 3 girls added did need Jesus. And one of those three girls...was saved! And when I found out, I was so completely overwhelmed, so completely blessed, and so completely beside myself that we made room....we made room for 3 more...and it made even my level of itensity with Jesus rise :)

DNOW

photo credit

I decided I would serve. And I spent the better part of the week cleaning and getting ready. I think I should have been in prayer more. For their hearts. The evening was here and I met my crew. They were girls of all kinds spending the whole weekend in my home for DNOW (church youth event). Actually, they are still here, and I have a gazillion things to do, but I'm writing this instead. So, I can remember. They are all pre-teen and early teen in age, and there are sweet girls, pretty girls, popular girls, and unpopular girls. And it's one of unpopular girls who seems to have taken me back a bit. I should have a special place in my heart for unpopular girls...as I was unpopular, too. This girl is slow. Like you could tell she is maybe a special needs. And so I'm trying to make it a point to not cast her off. I think I need to try harder. They are all at church now with their leader going through there sessions and small community mission projects, and so I began to tidy up a bit. I'm just saying having 13 girls and 3 leaders in your home and spending the night for the weekend...in your small home...well, it's an excellent way to give up yourself. Anyway, I'm tidying, and putting things up. And I come upon the unpopular girls stuff. It's worn and not new and fancy like some of the other girls things. And I should have a special place in my heart for girls like that cause I grew up on the poor side and didn't always have new or fancy. I move her stuff over so I can get in a closet to put some things away. I look down and see him...or her. It's mostly covered but I can just see it enough, and I pull it out. A stuffed animal so worn and loved. And I don't know why but tears filled my eyes? Well, I do know why. In a time when pre-teen and teen girls are so past the stuffed animal stage, this young girl is not. I wonder what the popular girls, way too cool for stuffed animals would say. Well, nothing because it is a church event, but I can't help but have my heart filled by her, her tattered things, and that worn out stuffed animal.

So, I'm off. Off to pray for these young ladies in the making. And I'll pray earnestly for them all...knowing that whether unpopular or popular...we just all really need Jesus.

1000 Gifts...

In my journey through, Ann's book 1000 Gifts, I'm realizing as Ann says that this level of thankfulness is really a learned behavior. And I'm not talking about the thankfulness that we are all accustomed to in our shallow thankful behaviors, I'm talking about this deep, Jesus like, eucharisteo thankfulness. And so early in my journey I feel a bit faltering. This past month has been a bear. Hurt feelings. Disappointments. Loneliness. Wrong attitudes. Last night as I dumped all that on The Bob, poor Bob, I made the comment before we turned out the light, "Here I am reading a book on recognizing 1000 Gifts and here I am griping about everything." Yes Ann is right. This level of thankfulness, this eucharisteo surely is a learned behavior...and one that takes consistent practice.

I also wonder...Ann talks about how ungratefulness started in the Garden of Eden with Adam, Eve, and the serpent. I wonder am I not only struggling against my flesh, but does the deceiver show up at just this time to discourage me in this journey? I wonder.

But I will not be set back by me and my flesh or the serpent. So, I press on to 1000 gifts...

137. Dog squeaking toy in the background
138. Spring buds forming on winter tree
139. That in loneliness I can draw to Him
140. Life is full of "seasons" that cannot be recreated...only enjoyed
141. Ahsleigh’s laugh
142. A pot of chili, thick like a stew…reminds me of my favorites Little House and the Walton’s
143. Steam rising from a simmering pot
144. Laughter so full you can’t breathe
145. Afternoon treats
146. Evening talks
147. Fresh sheets on the bed

Finding what you want in what you give...

Every year I expected it. On my birthday, especially on my birthday. On Mother's Day. On Valentine's day. I wanted to be treated and feel like the most special person ever. Ever. And saying that now just sounds so...selfish.

Every year he never expected it. Never. Not on his birthday, not on Father's Day, not on Valentine's Day. He was content and expected little except maybe a card or some small something. But no big day long celebration of him.

But this year, I did it for him. I took the focus off of me and focused on him. His birthday was more than it's been ever, I think. And it wasn't that it took a lot of money or a grand present. It was just little things throughout the course of two days. A table set fancy, confetti, a special text or two at work, his favorite Chinese dinner. It was two days of celebrating him. And he felt so special. I know it cause he told me that night. I gave what I always want. And in the giving I found what I had been looking for all along. I felt loved and special right along with him. And this morning I find these words to be the truest....

“You only have what you give away. All that you’ll ever have is only what you’ve shared”

~ Ann Voskamp

The blue balloon...

We had been coloring. Fep reminded me I had not colored with her in several years. But a cute Winnie the Pooh coloring book in the dollar section at Target compelled me to dust off my Crayolas. And I sat there with her. She admired my coloring thinking me the queen of the Crayola. And I soaked in her love.

The next day Fep was back to coloring on her own, and she colored a picture of Christopher Robin handing Pooh a balloon. The balloon was blue and I immediately thought, "Not sure that's the color I would have chosen." Moose followed that thought with, "Fepper, why did you color the balloon blue. It's supposed t0 be red." And then we all had a big discussion on the color of the balloon in the Disney Winnie the Pooh that first aired in the late 60's. I agreed with Moose that it was red. Fep insisted it was blue. Moose dug through the old VHS's and found that first Disney made Pooh. On the back of the box was several pictures from the movie...one of Pooh on his blue balloon. I said, "Well, it may be blue on the back of the box, but I really think that's just on the box and it's red in the movie."

A night later, we piled in my bed, coloring book, Crayolas, and a bit of excitement in hand, and watched that Pooh video. And what do you know, but the balloon is blue. I asked Fepper if she looked at the box or if she just remembered it was blue. She said she just remembered it. And for some reason that filled my heart. I think it's that Fep is going to be 13 this year and to know that as she's growing that her little girl days are still in her memory and in her heart makes my heart filled with it all.....

Pancake memories...

As mentioned in a past post, my Daddy was an alcoholic. Looking past that, looking to the sober times, there are memories to be cherished. And one of the things I talk about often are his pancakes. That they were so yummy. That he cut them into perfect squares and triangles. I was with my brother (pictured with Fep above) recently, and something came up about Daddy, and he mentioned Dad's pancakes. I smiled and commented, and he said, "You know that's about all we have left of Dad are his pancakes." And while I can remember more good things about my Daddy than just pancakes, my brother confirmed our love of his pancakes.

This Christmas my brother came over early Christmas morning because he wanted to cook my Daddy's pancakes for us. I have to say I never knew the exact recipe until this year. I've always just used a box mix when I make them. And the pancakes my brother made were good, but I have to say....they didn't taste like I remembered. And I think I like the box mix better. And that made me sad. Cause those pancakes were the bomb diggity (yes, I just said bomb diggity) growing up, and with my Daddy's alcoholic history, I did cherish that memory of when he made those. But then I realized that's whats really important anyway. It's the memories. It's the good memories not the actual taste of the pancakes themselves. And now with the memories of my Daddy and pancakes, I also have a sweet memory of my brother, too. He was so pleased with himself cooking up those special pancakes for us. And it was all done in much love....love for me, love for my children, and love for that special memory of my Daddy.

Ooops! I did it again...

When I made that cake 9 months ago, who would have thought? Who would have ever thought that I'd actually misspell "birthday" again? Not me. That was good for a one time laugh, right?
Enter birthday cake #2.....

MMMMM HMMMMM. I misspelled birthday again!! Good grief. And I got nothing this time. I was putting those candles on that cake, got to the end to put on the "y", and thought, "Why do I have two letters left?" And then I saw what I had done....more laughs....more smiles...more memories.

Yes, I homeschool my children. Don't judge me ;)

Ohhhhh! And today, just happens to be my sweet husband's birthday. He loves me even though I can't spell "birthday"!

Goodbye Woobie. You'll be missed....

The Woobie did not originally belong to Moose but Fep. Fep was not a baby who needed much. No paci, not too dependent on a bottle, no lovie of any sort. She cared nothing about the white crocheted blanket made for her by a lady at church. Moose on the other hand was much in need of creature comforts. He was a paci lovin' kind of baby. And he did not settle easily. One day as he was down for his nap, he was just a fussin'. And I stood over the crib wondering what to do and I thought about a friend who said her baby loved to be covered up from head to toe. So, I took The Woobie and draped it across Moose face and all. He immediately quit crying. And that began the love affair with The Woobie. He and The Woobie, or Woob for short, were quite inseparable.

But now nine, almost ten years later, The Woobie is worn. Just last night as he was snuggled in bed with his Woob, he said, "Look what the cat did." And he pulled out a very long piece of yarn from his Woobie. Today when I found his Woobie, I saw that it had a large hole. The yarn has been so thin for a while, and I'm not surprised it has a large hole in it. Even though he's been too old for it for quite some time, he has shown no signs of wanting to put it away. So, I did what I hated to do and told him it was time. It was time to put The Woobie away or there would be nothing left of The Woobie. I took out his baby box and knew this was it. It was the last daily visible, physical reminder of all those precious baby memories. It made my heart hurt. Still does.

So, in the box on top of the ultra sound picture, cards, hospital paper gown, etc., etc. lay The Woobie. Moose said, "I'm okay right now. But I know I'll really miss it tonight." And then my heart filled just a little more......

To Hear the Quiet....

By nature, I'm a homebody. So, that I love being a wife, mother, homemaker, comes rather naturally for me. I love having my house in order, routines, etc., etc., etc. I love every day kind of every day stuff. That December through the first week of January was none of that was rather trying for me. I tried to embrace the season, and there were moments that surely I did. But overall it was rather stressful for me. In the end, I was depleted by too many places, too many people, and too much busyness. Nothing that looked routine. Except maybe a day here or there. Probably that the Lord knew I needed that just to keep my sanity.

Now in this second week of January, I am reclaiming that life I love. This morning as I prayed, I prayed over routine, structure, and order. The people are gone, the chaos has calmed, and I find myself already being filled. Sunday evening we had a snowfall like we haven't in quite some time. Maybe 5 to 6 inches here. And I always think of winter as quiet. There is such a huge difference when you go out at night in summer and in winter. Summer nights are filled with bugs, frogs, locusts all harmonizing together. And I like that. But winter...winter nights are so quiet. There is just not a single sound to be heard. This morning as I was making my bed and looking out the window, seeing the blanket of snow which still covers the ground, I could literally hear the quiet. And I found my soul being filled...and I look forward to quiet days filled with routine, family, home, and Him.