When you really begin to love....

"Why would God give us Jimmy and take him so soon?" asked Moose.

He had brought Jimmy home almost two years ago. On Halloween.  And the joke was that most kids brought home candy that night, but my child brought home a kitten.  Fep who wanted no part of cat ownership let it be known for several days that she was not happy that we now had a cat in the house.  But over time, that kitty worked it's way into her heart...and mine...and The Bob's too.  We were dog people....but now, we are cat people as well.

Last week Jimmy became suddenly ill.  So, ill that the vet told us he may not make it.  And Moose asked the question.  Why would God take Jimmy?  I do realize that this is a pet, and not a person.  But he was Moose's fast friend, and he loved him so.  And all I could tell Moose is that sometimes we just don't have answers as to why.  And the answer, although true, seemed to fall short. 

Over the next several days, I remembered a post that I had read by Ann Voskamp. It's a post about spending time with her aging Mom, and she says,  

"When you realize that what you have, you will lose — you win real eyes. You win grateful joy.   It comes across the water and I turn to face it directly: It’s only when you realize everyone you love will one day leave you— that you really begin to love." 

You love your spouse now.  But lose your spouse and your heart will ache with love.  You love your child, but lose that child, and your heart will be crushed by love.  As Ann says, "Envision life without the loveliness of those you love — and you see how much you love." 

And I share it with Moose. Not an answer to his question, but hope in his loss. Jimmy had given us so many happy memories, much laughter, much love. And we feel it so deeply now, because of the loss. But the loss, it's all a gift. The loss is what makes you realize how deep the love is. He was satisfied with that answer.

The Lord took Jimmy today.  And Jimmy's love, even the love of a cat, we count as a gift.

Front Porch...

"We've lived here 12 years and are just now really taking in the enjoyment of this front porch."  I told The Bob that last night. It was night and the crickets chirped along with other singing night creatures.  And we were blessed with a wonderful summer breeze that didn't have the melting effect of July in Mississippi humidity.   That front porch is not quite as pristine looking as in the picture above.  The landscaping has gotten a bit scrubby, the swing and chairs are going to need to be painted soon.  But what God gives on that porch is still the same.  Quiet.  Peace.  Solitude.  Or if you are with your children....laughter. Chatting.  Popsicles and Ice Cream in the heat.  Blankets and snuggling in the cold.  When I am by myself, it is peace and solitude.  When I am with my family, it is bonding and connection.  Sometimes the conversations are light hearted and sometimes intense.  It is true that we have really started visiting the porch more and more and more over the last several weeks.  But as I searched to find a picture to put with this post, I find that we have enjoyed it over the last 12 years. 

We have visited with Granny....

Or we have watched the dogs romp and play...

Or we have watched the birds....

It has quietly become my very favorite place in the house.  Except it is not in the house, but out...

An Open Letter for Mother's Day

Mammer,

How hard it must have been to raise us in the conditions you had to raise us in.  The uncertainty of if or when your husband would come home and the condition that he would come home in?...three children to raise...doing it a good bit of time alone.  But you did it, and we turned out well, I think.  So, thank you.

And just that you know...even though times were so hard...I don't regret anything.  There was so much stuff we asked you to do, and you always had to say no because we didn't have the money and Dad's alcoholism made things so very unstable.  So, I never got to play basketball and I never got to play the flute in the band.  But now as an adult, it doesn't matter a bit and I don't feel like I missed out on a thing.  And though my children get to do those things now, sometimes I think the busyness it causes to run to violin or basketball or taekwondo, etc. etc....it makes me think that sometimes saying "No" is the wise decision.  So, even though you didn't really have a choice of telling us yes, thank you for saying no.

And even though I didn't really start cooking until I was an adult, I learned so much from just watching.  The kitchen truly was and is your domain.  Your food, your meals, our times in the kitchen.  They are some of our fondest memories.  Chocolate pie.  Need I say more?  Thank you for chocolate pie.

And you never knew that when I went to the district science fair in the 8th grade and I had to go away overnight to do it, I was so glad to get back home.  And you were the one to pick me up...in an orange B210 Datsun.  Not the coolest car.  But that night at that moment I could have cared less.  I was just glad to see you and to be going home.  So, thank you for coming to pick me up.

And those steno books, I watched as you track bills and such.  Making sure the money would somehow work.  I know that my love for budgeting surely must come from you!  And I know that the money always worked because you did without.  Any extra you always spent on us.  Thank you for your selflessness in giving to your children.

A few memories for this Mother's Day.  Happy Mother's Day, Mammer.  I love you.

~Kathy

Grace covered regrets....

My Daddy has been gone for over 10 years and just last week the last of his things were brought to me. The last few things of his left at the nursing home. Two boxes. The first box...pictures of his grandchildren which bring immediate tears to my eyes and some laughter too as I shuffle through the photos. The second box...old glasses, scraps of paper, cards. And other pictures. Most of people I didn't know. And that made me sad. Who were these people that loved on my Daddy when I could not and did not?

Ann Voskamp once said that sometimes it seems that life is best lived in reverse. Going through that box is one of those moments. If I could go back, I would have loved on my Daddy more. Even though....even though his alcoholism made him unlovable. But I cannot go back, so I'm left with regret that I know is covered by Grace.  Thankful for that Grace.  Thank you Jesus.

I am thankful that through forgiveness I can talk to my children about the good things about my Daddy.  I don't sugar coat it.  They know.  They know about the alcoholism and hardship.  But they know more, much more, about forgiveness and grace that focuses on the times when he was sober.

What Guys Think....

Above Reproach....

My last post was on modesty.  How high should the modesty bar be set?  I don't know.  But I do know that as I stated in my last post we are numbed down a bit (or a lot) by the low standards of our culture.  I mentioned that I have had three dresses I've had to ditch - two were too short for The Bob's comfort, and one was too cleavage enhancing....and I'm not even well endowed.  (Ahem) Anywho, in making my point about how numbed down we are, I'm going to share the story of the last dress being ditched with you....

I got it on clearance for seven dollars.  It was for a wedding.  It was black.  It hid my imperfections (aka fat).  Perfect!  And I wore it many times, until one day The Bob said, "That dress is really kind of short."  It fell just at the top of my knee cap. The bottom of the dress just grazed the top of my knee cap.  Not too bad most would say.  But when you sit down, then that inches even shorter.  I threw off his comment that on that day I had worn it differently.  I usually wore it with flats or sandals.  If I wore it with heels, I had on black hose.  The day he told me it was on the short side, I had on heels, no hose.  I just figured that combo made my legs look elongated.   And my friends felt me to be a modest dresser, and my friends thought it was modest.  Surely The Bob was over reacting and his standards way too high.   So,  I kept wearing it with sandals and flats. 

I have mentioned on the blog my brother-in-law in prison.  And that I saw him for the first time this past Christmas Eve.  That is true.  But that is not the first time I tried to see him.  Last spring, I tried.  We went after church, and I had on my black "surely not too short" dress.  I can guarantee everybody at church that day would have said I was dressed modestly.  Absolutely guarantee it.  Everybody except The Bob, that is.  So, we enter the prison, the guard at the desk immediately says, "You cannot wear that dress in here."  I. Was. Furious. (Remember I still had bitterness issues at this time as well!  See my prison visit post titled "Go Fish")   I immediately left and set up a time with The Bob to pick him back up.  I rode around for an hour fuming the whole time.  When I picked The Bob up, his first words back in the car were, "I told you that dress was too short."    I ditched the dress thinking that it was not too short, but now bad memories and great irritation would be associated with it. 

To most the dress was not too short.  Them hem line fell at the top of my knee.  But we are all on the outside and we are bombarded with images of people dressed 20x's worse.  Every time I drive down the interstate I have to pass by a Hooters billboard.  And we see immodesty and impurity everywhere!  We see it on TV.  We see it in movies.  We see it at the grocery store.   And unfortunately, we even see it at church.  Those prisoners though...they are not on the outside.  The don't have these images of women flaunted in front of them every single day.  So, they probably have a much higher sensitivity to physical images because of that.  They are not bombarded with images that numb them down.     So yes, I'm about to admit this for the first time ever.....the dress was too short!   Whew!  There.  I said it.   Standing, yes the dress was fine.  But sitting.  No.  Sitting made it inch up too high.    And that could have been an issue for a prisoner there.  And when I think about it, that prison guard was really protecting me! 

Back in January I borrowed a dress from a friend to go out on my anniversary with The Bob. It was too short.  It was shorter than my "prison dress"!!   I don't know what I was thinking.  Well, I think I was thinking I had nothing to wear to go out for my anniversary.  Anyway,  I fought that dress all night...tugging it down when I sat, thinking about how short it was when I sat, holding it down when the wind blew cause I felt like it would blow up and show who knows what.   It was miserable.  That borrowed dress, the prison dress, and that most excellent survey I posted changed my views on modesty.   I now see that The Bob's high standards for me should be valued.    

I am a Christian and the way I dress should be above reproach. 

{ And the rule now is...if the dress does not cover the knee when sitting, it is too short! :) }

{Survey HERE}

Raise them to be modest....

I cannot even begin to convey how passionate I am about this subject. Modesty. And I'm in the minority, I know.  And I'm okay with that. I haven't always been as passionate about modesty as I am now, because culture will numb you down. We are so absolutely bombarded with inappropriate images of women that we justify a too short skirt here, a too low top there, and a too tight whatever anywhere. And the more we see, the more numb we get. The more men see, the more it takes for them to see to satisfy that physical excitement. And culture has been happy to give more and more and more.

I am thankful that my husband has a high standard of modesty for myself and Fep. I have had to get rid of more than one dress at his request because he felt the length was too short or something did not cut right. I was not thankful initially! But over time as I have seen the fallout of low standards. And I even see those low standards in church and good Christian families. And I don't think that people mean to have low standards. Again, I think culture has just absolutely numbed us.

The following link is the best link I have ever found in regards to modesty and purity. The. best. ever. It is a survey published on Alex and Brett Harris' website and was a survey taken by a group of men and teens. Here is a sampling:

"Skirts that fall above the knee are immodest." 58.3% of men and teens agree.
"Spaghetti strap shirts and dresses are immodest." 60.9% of men and teens agree.

What is also nice about the survey is that there are written responses by the men and teens who took the survey. For example a 21 year old said about skirts above the knee, "Immodest, unless you don't feel like sitting down ever."

For the complete survey go HERE. You need to know. You need to consider. Is what you wear going to make someone stumble?

My issue with The Hunger Games...

Let me preface this in that I have not read the books and I have not seen the movie. And let me say that I am not saying I will never read the books and I will never see the movie. Focus on the Family Plugged In gives it decent reviews. And although at some time or some point I may see the movie, I do have the a couple of real struggles I am wrestling through at the moment:

1. This movie opened at midnight. Every movie that comes to mind that opened at midnight has had a dark element to it. Harry Potter. The Dark Knight. Twilight. And from what I know of the book, teens/youth being forced to kill for sport...yes, I'd say it has a dark element to it. When I read the Plugged In review, the conclusion, even in a decent review, made everything sound just so dark. Also please notice and don't miss that those movies listed are all targeted at youth.

2. Again, this movie opened at midnight and it's target audience is youth. So, they stayed up until midnight to go see it and did not get home until late thirty. Did they not have school or responsiblities the next day? They had to be exhausted. Are we that driven by the media? The world? What our friends are doing?

3. It is fantasy fiction. It may have some great moral or end line story to it. And again, I have not seen it or read the books. But I just tend to find fantasy fiction a fine line to walk because so much of it can be dark in nature. Please consider that "just because something is "fictional" in genre does not disqualify it from being enormously persuasive and influential. Even more-so, in fact!" (Cassandra at The Unplugged Family). I think we are numb to the dark tone of things in our culture. And I think it continues to be a downward spiral.

4. I read an article online that a church had taken the book and developed a bible study around it to connect with the youth in their church. Seriously?! Honestly, that just makes me want to run. I have read the critics and that the characters are self less, Christlike in giving their life for another. So we have taken a secular piece of fiction and dressed it up for the church. Media and culture should not have that much influence in the church. The church should be impacting the world and not the world impacting the church.

So, this is what I am wrestling with. Wrestling so much so that I have put this post up, taken it down, and now put it back up. I didn't want to offend anybody, but seriously...who really reads my blog!? And after talking it over with The Bob, I'm putting it back up at his encouragement. I realize that I am absolutely in the minority in my views but need to stand on my convictions.

Also, I have received an email from Cassandra at The Unplugged Family. She will have a post coming out this week on The Hunger Games. I'm sure she will have great insight and has researched it much more than myself. You can find her at the link above or her button in the sidebar.

Go Fish.

"I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me....And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me." ~ Matthew:25:36, 39, 40

Sometimes the shame is in the hiding. And freedom is found in releasing the "secret". I have a brother-in-law in prison. And for some time the only people that knew the how and why were our very closest friends. So, just a handful of about 4-5 families. And I hated telling any new friend, because I hated the shame of the why he is in prison. And I hated a lot of other things. I hated that we were called on to try to pick up pieces of a broken puzzle that we had not put together. I hated that it took its toll on us emotionally and financially. I hated collect phone calls, and visit dates, and attorney calls, and I hated dealing with the fallout of somebody else's sin. I hated a lot. And I was bitter. Bitter rolls off the tongue hard. I find that how the word bitter sounds and how it rolls off the tongue encompasses what the word means and what it is. Bitter..... And my bitterness was not the inability to forgive the sin, but because of what his sin had caused me and my family. It was all very self focused. I was angry and overwhelmed with myself for that bitterness. I am a Christian, and I know better. I know better than to let bitterness fester. I know it is everything opposite of Christ, and I know the freedom in releasing it. I found the journey to release began when Life Action Ministries came to our church for two weeks in October of last year. During which I confessed that bitterness before my church. Cause when you are hiding a "secret", is there no better place to let it out than a room of several hundred people? Well, that's evidently what the Lord thought. And He is always right.

And sometimes releasing is a journey. I began to quit dodging his calls, and on Christmas Eve I saw him for the first time since his incarceration three years ago. However, I was still overwhelmed and struggling with my feelings and emotions. I had not found that peace of release and I was desperate. I was trying to do everything I knew to and what the Lord had shown me in October. I was trying a lot...but maybe the answer is found in obedience and letting the Lord do the rest. I just needed to be obedient and the Lord would handle the rest.

I found the following John Piper video and found it so extremely helpful....

How to Fight Bitterness from Desiring God on Vimeo.

Being that my brother in law has truly repented, I surely do not want to dishonor the cross and the sacrifice of Christ. So, I just began to pray, and I quit trying to fix it in my own power. I had agreed with God over my sin, so I began telling him my struggle with the emotion, and feelings, and that I needed to love my brother-in-law. And I began praying to do that. To love him like Jesus does.

The second Sunday of February was another visitation. My sweet husband told me, "You really don't have to go every time I go. I know it is not easy, and it is not fun." But I told him in my spirit I knew I needed to go. And I thought about what he said....how it's not easy. And all this time I've been sending him alone. In the past three years could I have not come alongside my husband and offered support I'm sure he needed? I am convicted of my selfishness. Really. How self absorbed can I be?

The visit was much better than my first. My attitude was as good as it can be when you are going into a prison. We ate snacks. We played games. Moose, myself, and my brother-in-law played Go Fish. I didn't really think anything about the day other than I knew it was a much better visit than my first. That night as we got ready for bed The Bob told me how much he appreciated what I did. I was a bit surprised and then he said, "You played games with him. We've never done that before....and you loved him today." The Bob had not known my prayers to love...to really love. And my heart swelled with thanksgiving in that maybe he was right. The Lord is still working it out and is not finished with me...shown through a simple game of Go Fish.

At last....

Last song listened to on iPod: Stevie Wonder "For Once in My Life"



It's a good thing Stevie can stand on his on talent. Cause those girls dancing...not sure what they were thinking...

Last thing I spent money on: postage stamps

Last thing I ate: salad and baked potato and (2) Golden Double Stuff Oreo cookies

Last thing I read: Fep's school work

Last show I watched on TV: I Love Lucy

Last movie I watched: The Help

Last person I talked to on phone: my Mom

Last person I texted: Lisa ....oops, nope!...my Mom

Last book I read (besides the Bible): Candle in the Darkness

The smallest moment.

We are still counting a year of graces. I personally have been working at this for about a year now. And I think I'm just now getting it. It was my children's smiles over my writing "Rupert's soft, warm ears". After they commented on it, I thought about that moment. It was very cold, he was trotting happily beside me on our way to the mailbox. And I reached over for a simple pet. And those ears in that cold were soft...and warm...and silky. And thinking about that moment I got it. We are surrounded by life. Life!! Life that God gives for our enjoyment. Everyday life is most beautiful. Yes, it's painful and hard and I could go on and on and on. But in each day, just look. Look and there you will find something than money can't buy or that materialism won't trump. Just look for it in the smallest moments and you'll find it.... Gifts to you from Him.

Let God...

Over a year ago I read I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. As a little side note and tidbit, she is the wife of the lead singer of the group Selah. An excellent read for anyone who has lost a child. One of the things I took from the book other than finding someone to identify with the grief of losing a baby is this point that she made: When Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, he was simply told that Lazarus was sick. It wasn't "Jesus, Lazarus is sick and this is how I want you to fix it and this is how I want you to comfort me and this is how I want you etc., etc." And when Jesus was told there was no more wine, He was told simply that. There was no more wine. It wasn't "Jesus there is no more wine and we really could use some more and could you get us some somehow someway. Go to the store, perform a miracle, etc., etc." He was simply told the wine was gone, and then He did, in fact, perform a miracle turning water to wine. How often I tell God my problem and tell Him how I'd like it fixed. "Lord, Fep needs braces. Could you provide a big tax refund this year to pay for them?" I couldn't just leave it at "Lord, Fep needs braces." Lately in my prayer life, I've been trying to just leave it at "Lord, Fep needs braces." It is hard.

Our business can literally be feast or famine. And this morning when there wasn't enough calls to keep our techs busy for the day, I started in with "Lord, we need provision and could you cause the phone to ring, and what about this and what about that. That could provide work." But this morning remembering I just needed to tell Jesus the problem and not the solution, I stopped. I just had to stop myself. "Lord we don't have work." And that was sufficient. I work often from home, and my worry wart self decided to look at the dispatch board in the computer late this afternoon. And I was moved to tears as He is faithful to provide. Even without me telling Him how to do it and how to fix it.

I'm reminded of Ann's quote, "Bend the knee, be small, and let God give what He wants to give." Lord, keep me small. Lord, help me to remember to tell you my problem and not tell you how to fix it.

Word!...

So, after the last post you'd think my word for the year is "Gratitude". But it's not. That was probably my word last year. This year's word...

Proverbs talks a lot about the simple, and not necessarily in a good way! I'm not talking that kind of simple, I'm talking simplifying...simplicity in order. I've lived a cluttered, busy, too busy, unorganized, and unplanned several months. Our home, my attitude, our finances have all suffered because of it. Maybe "intentional" would be my runner up word. Careful thought to what goes on the calendar, how the days are spent, where that money goes. When I think about simplifying my life, it gives me a warm fuzzy.

What word inspires you?

17th Year...

17 Years ago today I married The Bob. Three little tidbits of what I know:

*You have to fight for your marriage, and while there are seasons of highs there are also seasons of lows. A great marriage doesn't just happen without work. The pressure of the world, friends, children, extended family, work, hobbies, activities, finances, and plain ole life will all try to crowd out what was set apart for you and your spouse. Not to mention the devil delights in failed marriages.

*Love is a commitment. Not a warm fuzzy. Not that warm fuzzies don't happen, but that warm fuzzies are surface and commitments go deep.

*People change. But hopefully if your marriage is Christ-centered, you'll grow in the change for the good and the better. Our marriage should enhance who we are in Christ. So thankful to be married to a man who does just that.

A Year of Graces....

When I saw this from Ann Voskamp, I knew I was in. It sounds so simple. Too easy. Write down one, just one, thing for the day you found to be grateful for. Only one thing. But then she pointed out, just one thing, and at the end of the year you have charted 365 things. All by His grace. And as He has changed my heart through her words over the past year regarding gratitude, I knew that it was something that must be fostered not just in my heart but also in the heart of my children. So, Sunday evening as we set out our goals and family goals for 2012, I pulled out their sheets. And I copied one for the Bob (too lazy to print out another ;)). And he said, "Let's hang them altogether." All that thankfulness lined up for all to see.

I never realized how powerful, just 3 days in, that it would be. That on day 1 gratitudes would be found in altars and prayers of friends. And all that Grace showing through the heart of my children.

Ann signs off so much of what she writes with "All is grace". Shaun Groves, of Compassion, pointed out in a song he wrote because of her saying those words, that there is deep profoundness in those three little words. All. Is. Grace. I'll let you think about that for a minute...let it seep deep into your heart...

If you'd like to chart A Year of Graces you can go here.