Late birthday post...

I tried to get this post up on her birthday, but blogger was messed up the night I tried to do it and through the next morning, too, so I couldn't. And then after I missed the official date of her birth, the intensity in getting it done decreased a bit. Just that it got done was important, so here I am.

Beth's birthday was May 12th. However, that day actually isn't as significant to me as Mother's Day in remembering her, because it was on Mother's Day that we found out she was gone and that she had quietly slipped away to be with Jesus. And that Mother's Day of her passing has forever changed my Mother's Days since. So grateful, so blessed with the two that I have still here, but so desperately missing her. Kind of like the Scripture that talks about the 99 sheep and the 1 that is missing, ya know? I have light and shadows all rolled up in one on Mother's Day now....

I was taking The Bob's mom home after Mother's Day activities while he and the kids stayed home and worked in the garden. After I dropped her off, I decided to stop by the cemetery where Beth was buried as it's only about 5 minutes or less away. The thoughts rolled through my mind on my way there that I was such a loser mom because I hadn't been in forever and it had been forever since I had put flowers on her grave. Her grave was surely bare. And what kind of mom, what good mom, goes years without putting flowers on her child's grave? I only can make myself feel better knowing she's always, always in my heart and she's really with Jesus anyway. All these thoughts rolling, and then I see it. Oh my....


Somebody put flowers there! I actually think they may have blown off another's grave and someone just put them in one of her vases. But when I drove up and saw them, my heart caught. And aren't they perfect for a little girl? White. Pink. Pink ribbon. Perfect. All I can think is that the Lord cares so much more deeply than we remember sometimes...and He covered for this "loser mom" making sure my baby had flowers...and He reminded this "loser mom" that He has held me the whole time since her passing...and while the Scripture says that the one with 99 sheep will go looking for the lost one, I need not wonder or look for Beth. She's with Jesus.....

Held...

For Beth...who went to let Jesus hold her on Mother's Day 2003...



Thank you, Jesus, for holding me, too....

The Honest Scrap Award.

My friend Heathahlee. She's so kind. She awarded me Honest Scrap. I'm verklempt. Okay. Not really. But in receiving this award, I must give you 10 randomly honest things about me. Then I must pass it on to 7. I don't have 7 people in blogland I can pass this on to, because I'm so minuscule in blogland. But I will pass it on to three people. I'll save that for the end. Oh, and the people you pass it on to are supposed to be people that have encouraged you. Encouraged you with their honesty or something like that. Heather is probably so wishing she hadn't passed this on to me right now. I don't think I'm taking it very seriously. How can you take a title like "Honest Scrap" seriously though?

Okay, 10 randomly honest things:

1. I have Vitiligo. An auto-immune disorder that causes you to loose pigment in your skin. You know...the disease Michael Jackson said he had. Well, I have it. For real. I'm afraid one day I'll end up like a spotted cheetah or leopard or something.

2. In addition to having Vitiligo, I'm loosing my hair. It runs in my family as my Aunt was almost bald. I don't think I'll be bald, but I'm looking at really thin hair in my older, older than I am now, years.

3. The fact the the previous two honest tidbits bother me makes me think I am vain. The fact that my third fact is still talking about the previous two makes me know I am vain. Being honest here people. But I don't know many women who think, "Isn't this fantastic! My hair is falling out. I love it." Anyway, I appreciate the Proverbs that says "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Yep. I'm clinging to that.

4. I love Casting Crowns. I am a Casting Crowns groupie. Truly. I've met them, have autographs from band members, and one of the cutest concert t-shirts you'll ever see. You'd like to see it wouldn't you?

I am a Casting Crowns groupie, but not a stalker.

5. I love a tidy house. But I sometimes end up with cluttered closets in making the house tidy ;)

6. I am a Foodie. If you don't want to click on Foodie to see what that means...it just means I watch A LOT of Food Network.

7. My first date with The Bob was a blind date. I didn't say 2 sentences to him and then fell asleep. Isn't it so easy to see why he asked me out again? But he did. And when I introduced him to my Mom on our first "real" date, I called him by the wrong name....I introduced him as Chris. His name is not Chris. Isn't it so easy to see why he asked me to marry him? (giggle) Oh, and I was 21 when The Bob and I met, and 25 when we married.

8. I lived at home until I got married. Yes, I lived at home until I was 25. I've never lived on my own. I was either at home with my parents and then married. Never by myself or with roommates or anything like that.

9. I lost a baby at six months of pregnancy. I'm forever changed by it. But not in a bad way....anyway, her name was Beth.

10. Two months after I had Moose, I had my gallbladder out and a bilateral hernia repair. That was a rough pregnancy....but so worth it ;)

Okay....passing this on to:

**Daisy at The Quiet Life. I love everything about her. Especially her honesty. Her blog has the name of my old blog, and my "life verse"...Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life...(1 Thes 4:11-12) From what I read from her blog, I think we have a lot in common, but I think she is the better part of what I want to be. Oh, and if you home school, she's an excellent source of info, too.

**Then there is Dawn at beyond grace. I love everything about her, too. She makes me smile, warms my heart, and has a humble spirit. Wonderful lady, she is.

**Finally, Jen at unglazed. I love her love for birds. And I love the photos she takes of them. She makes me smile, too. Oh, she has a giveaway going on right now. You could be the lucky winner of a year subscription to Birds and Blooms. So, check her out.

These recipients may now choose to pass it on to 7 encouragingly honest bloggers that they love. And thank you Heathahlee. You know I love you. Always.

Don't worry 'bout me...

This morning as I made my treadmill walk, I turned on GAC (Great American Country), and this song was just coming on. I love it. It reminds me of Beth. " And I won't cry cause she flew up to heaven on the wings of angels....and she walks with Jesus....and I know she's smiling saying, 'Don't worry 'bout me.'"

YouTube - alanjackson's Channel (should immediately bring up "Sissy's Song")

Remembering Beth

I have been linking up with Emily's Tuesday's Unwrapped for the last couple of weeks. I've gone back and forth wondering if this should be linked. I decided I'm linking it. One, it is Tuesday, and today is a very important day to me. Two, does everything linked have to be all happy? It can be bittersweet, can't it?

On May 12, 2003, my daughter Beth was born. I was 24-25 weeks pregnant, and I knew when I gave birth to her that she was already gone. I've posted about her before here. Why is the loss of a child bittersweet? Well, I think that when Jesus finds you in your pain and brings you out of the unthinkable, then yes, it becomes bittersweet. I would give anything to have Beth back, but I would not take anything for what the Lord taught me in her passing.

I wanted to post this to make sure she is remembered. I don't get by her grave site as often as I should. Honestly, I'm embarrassed at how long it's been. Fep keeps reminding me that we haven't put flowers there in a long time. I may not get by her grave as I should, but I'll never ever forget. She would have been 6 years old this year. Happy Birthday, Beth!

Elizabeth Reagan Stewart

May 12, 2003

Remembering Beth

I rarely watch Extreme Make Over Home Edition, but last night I watched it. The new home was for a woman who had a child born prematurely which inspired her to take photographs, really nice artistic type photographs, for people who had preemies. She would spend the day with some people capturing some beautiful pictures of the parents and their child. The children may not always live. There was a mother they interviewed whose child only lived that one day. She talked about how important those pictures were to her because they were proof of that baby's life. They were a physical reminder for not just for the mother but also the world. I cried the whole hour I watched that show. The whole hour.

On Mother's Day 2003, I lost the baby in my womb at 6 months of pregnancy. Heathahlee and I were recently talking about my baby, Beth. I told her I learned that some people view loosing a baby at any point in pregnancy a "miscarriage". Some people will tell you really foolish things like "It was for the best." Some people will even dismiss your pain because the baby was never alive outside your womb. The world, most of my friends, and some family, have moved on. They never think about Beth. They never talk about Beth. But a mother's heart never, never forgets. And not only can my heart not forget, but I have a very special physical reminder in that I have pictures. I have photographs. They are photos done at the hospital...the type that they do with all newborns. I received them in the mail weeks after loosing Beth. The hospital was very tender in my loss. Unless the parent puts on a special outfit for the baby, most newborn photos are done in those "nice" hospital gowns. To my surprise when I received my pictures, the hospital had put Beth in a pretty little white smocked dress. They treated her with all the dignity and specialness that her little life deserved.

At my husband's request, I have not used my family's names on this blog but only our nicknames that we actually go by. But in this situation, I can give my third child's name. I am pleased to do so...

Elizabeth Reagan Stewart

May 2003