I find myself lately growing and stretching in ways I'm uncomfortable with. Wanting to let go of what is life draining to find and take hold of what is life fulfilling. Again, I'm uncomfortable and I find that the ugliness of my heart greets me at every corner. "The heart is desperately wicked..." the Scriptures so aptly testify. When I talk with Jesus, I say often "Lord, I'm so glad you've shown me this so that I can work on it, so that I can repent....but it's so hard to see who I really am." I'm so thankful for the One who extends grace when He's known all along who I really am. His grace goes further still.

And with this growing and changing, I wonder often what to do with this blog. I barely post anymore, and I wonder is it because I'm still trying to post for others...is it because I'm caught up in the busyness of life I can't find the words or time...is it because I've nothing of worth to say...is it a combination of all of that??? Does this blog give life or does it drain? I've gone private and back public again. Does any of it really matter?

I've decided that maybe it does matter. That maybe this blog gives life. Because most of what is recorded is the goodness that He creates. They are my memories. My loves. My family. Our stories. One day when I'm gone or if something tragic were to happen to me, my husband and children could come to these pages and remember me. The good parts of me that loved the great parts of them.

The flying heart....

It costs a lot of money to go to the fair these days. I had been wanting to go every time I passed by, but I kept thinking how expensive it is. So, even though I have not been in 20 years, I thought we shouldn't spend the money. I knew if I mentioned it to The Bob, he'd be all over it. 1. He's always up for fun. 2. He's not as crabby about money like I am. But one evening, he came home from work and started talking about ride that he had seen that day as he passed by. That was it. It was all I could take. We all happily decided we were going. The next morning I told The Bob, "What if we took our change bucket and wrapped the money in it to help toward the cost." I hadn't lost all my crabby senses about how much it'd cost. His reply, "Do you really think that's necessary?" Me: "Well, it would just help." And he said ok and that it would be good for the kids to see that we don't just spend money like it grows on trees. Cause sometimes they do think that ya know. So the kids and I wrapped the coins and were pleased with our bounty and what the Lord had provided. I told them this way we wouldn't have to worry about how much rides cost, how much a corn dog costs, and we could completely enjoy our fair experience.

There was one member of our family who enjoyed it as it should have been. One who was fearless on rides. One who completely embraced every bit of excitement that he could. Moose. When he rode the ride with his dad in which they take you straight up about 80 ft. in the air and then let you free fall to the bottom, he was fearless. Initially his eyes were big from the shock, but after he released the hoots and hollers of a boy who may have completed a passage to manhood. On a ride that had me screaming, fretting "is this thing gonna hold", and holding on for dear life...Moose held on to nothing. He let loose, held out his arms, and he was flying. And in that moment I saw him flying and the look of joy, contentment, and happiness on his face...my heart was flying, too.

The Real Deal...

The movie Fireproof is one of my fav-o-rite movies. Remember how the black guy at the firehouse loved the Lord and took so much teasing for it? There's one scene in which Kirk Cameron's character tells another fireman character, "Well, we can say what we want to about him. But we both know. He's the real deal." I looooove that line. I hope people say that about me. I hope I come across as the real deal. Real deal people have so much influence for the Lord. I once read a quote that said, "Live your life so that when others talk bad about you that nobody believes it." I wonder when bad things are said about me, is it so easy to believe it...or not? I hope...how I hope not.

"I just want to be a blessing..."

I got that saying from Heather. And you have to say it in a high pitched voice or it just doesn't work. Heather. She's full of sayings.

And I did want to be a blessing. Cause her Mom is real sick. Cause she's taken on her Mom's care. Heather needed milk, and I needed to serve someone other than myself. She wouldn't tell me she needed the milk, but I knew better. So to the store the kids and I went with me reciting through the store, "A loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, and a stick of buttah." { Sesame Street :) }

The strange thing about blessing others is that usually it means just at much to you, too. There are now two hugs that I will always remember in my friendship with Heather. The one she gave me right after Beth died. And the one I gave her when I took her the groceries. It was done with me trying to keep a light spirit in a dark time. Me teasing her about not coming clean about needing the milk and bread. But there was so much more underneath. It was an "I love you Heather you are so precious to me I can't even describe how sorry I am and did I mention that I love you" Hug. Yep, all that in like a 5 second hug.

She needed milk. I needed that hug.

Rejoicing....

The last time I saw her she was a mess. Her younger brother had just died unexpectedly from a heart attack...he was in his mid-twenties. It was the hardest funeral I have ever been to. Ever. At the funeral, her grief was open and raw. She loved him deeply.

But this night was far different. She was radiant. Beaming. The night was hers, and she knew it. It was the wedding she had waited 29 years for. Her brother was not far from our minds, and he was mentioned throughout the night. Yet, we rejoiced. This young lady who through her rebellious teen years found herself pregnant had obviously grown and matured since then. Her wedding honored the Lord and her family. Her daughter, now 10 years old, stood by her Momma during the wedding. And we rejoiced when the groom gave his new daughter a special gift. He called her over during the service and said, "Just like I made a promise to your Momma, I make this promise to you...I will always love you as my own." And he slipped a ring on her little finger just as he had slipped a ring on his bride's finger. The little girl who had been waiting for a father now had one and they hugged their first father-daughter hug. Yes, we rejoiced.

I think often that people who are forgiven much praise much. Tonight I think that people who hurt greatly rejoice greatly.

or maybe my house will be turned upside down...

Those are Emily's words from this post. And those words in Emily's post linked to this book. That book is circulating like crazy at my church and I'd not really given it much notice. But, the video clip at Amazon got my attention. Oh, it got my attention. And it was His further stirring of my heart.....I like the American Dream. I think if we're all really honest...really, really honest...we all really kinda like the American Dream.

I mentioned in the past that I wanted to take an overseas mission trip. And I do. And every time they throw up the video testimonies from Honduras at church, I cry...sometimes it's almost the ugly cry. But the Lord wants more than just my tears. I have realized within the last several days that I only want to do missions when it's comfortable for me. When we have the money. Make that when we have the extra money. Like after we've taken our vacations and spent it on our pleasures. Or when we have the time. And make that when we feel like we have the time. And so on and so on. But...the money isn't even there for vacations right now. And it really may not be the right time. But, He's showing me more...am I ready for the journey? Maybe, just now, it's an attitude of my heart...preparing me for something...maybe later it will, indeed, be that big oversees mission trip...but until then couldn't I do something? Couldn't I find room in my heart to do even the little somethings?

Surely, there is something I can do. Like writing Ro in India every month. Like checking on that relative in prison. Like finding something to do in my community. Like praying, really praying, for those who are doing His radical work. Like just loving like Jesus really loved. Do we really love like Jesus loved...or do we love Him in our American Dream or in our comfort zone... and do we really love ourselves and what we want more?????

to fill my soul...

Looking back I did it for all the wrong reasons. It was not because of the Lord's leading. It was not because of any deep conviction. It was because of Mark Hall. You know Mark Hall, right? Oh, sure you do. Casting Crowns lead singer. They heavily endorse and promote World Vision at their concerts. And being the Casting Crowns groupie that I am, and being all caught up in that moment at the concert some 2 years ago, I signed up to sponsor a child. And so for 2 years, we have sent money each month to help this child with basic needs like school supplies, a blanket. I think that may be what he received with some extra funds we sent for his birthday. A basic black blanket given to him through World Vision. I'd imagine he'd need one as his bed is a "hand made mat". And in 2 years, I can count on one hand how many times I have written this child a letter. And now the conviction sets in. This post. And this post. And last, but not least this post. And I find myself a lame sponsor. So lame. Overwhelmed by my shallowness, I put these words by Ann Voskamp on my refrigerator with my little fellow's picture:

"Maybe we are only at our most beautiful work in the same places too --- the places where we don't hide behind the distractions of stuff, where we finally empty our hands of all our possessions and idols and come to God empty and ready. The places where we can make art with tears.

Where the notes can finally soar in the space.


No one tells you that wealth numbs you to life and consumerism callouses your soul to the sacred.

Or maybe Someone did: “"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Mark 10:25 NIV)" ~ Ann Voskamp

I think it will be a process to remove the calluses. I have truly been callused by consumerism and numbed by our abundance. But....last night, I pulled out all that I could find I'd been sent in two years, and looked with fresh eyes. An open heart. And I noticed. He's grown in two years. And now is the time to not just help provide his basic, physical needs...but to invest in a soul. And I may find that his is not the only soul that's filled...but mine as well.

Linked at Tuesday's Unwrapped / Chatting at the Sky

Out of the mouths of babes....

(photo credit: www.icanhascheezburger.com)

Something we are constantly working on in our house is with Fep and Moose. Moose lives to get on Fep's nerves and Fep lives to boss Moose and correct him. It's a vicious cycle...and it can be very draining on my little nervies. Fep is first born...and is everything that goes with that. Everything. However, when her first born status gets in the way, The Bob will jokingly tell her that she has "First Born Syndrome". I don't believe that's a real diagnosis, but I think maybe it should be.

The other night Moose was talking about his history book and how boring it was ,etc., etc., etc. (and I do admit, he's in an extremely boring section right now...we may just pass over this chapter) The Bob told him that maybe they could do it at night together and that might make it more "fun". For some reason, Fep has a melt down and insists that the only time a school book should be used is during school. Where she pulled that from I don't know, because she has often looked through her science book for the pure enjoyment of it? The Bob laughs and asks her if she's worried her little brother will get smarter than her. And then Moose pipes up and says, "Fep!! You just have First Sinner Syndrome!" Ummmm...not quite Moose...but close enough ;)

This is a repost from June 26, 2009. It is in honor of Taylor who went to be with the Lord yesterday morning at the young age of 14. She fought a hard battle against her cancer, but I guess it wasn't meant for her to win. He had other plans. He wanted her with Him. My thoughts are with her family, and my heart is heavy for her parents....


~Hawaiian Wishes~

In this post, I talked about all that Hawaiian decor Heather and I put out. So, who is going to Hawaii? Me? Noooooo. Not me. Better than that. What could possibly be better than ME going to Hawaii? It's that this young lady is going....


In December our company raised money for charity to sponsor a terminally ill child's wish. With the help of our customers and employees and a local retailer in our area, we were able to raise enough money to grant a wish. The approximate cost of one wish is $7000. And that's what was raised. Even at Christmas when people may already be a bit stressed about money, and even in the down economic times, people gave. And they gave. And they gave. We raised almost $5K of that $7K in a period of just 2 days.

This young lady's wish was to go to Hawaii. She was diagnosed with cancer last year and was given a 35% chance of beating it. With a lot of help from St. Jude Children's Hospital and healing from the Lord, our true Healer, she is now in remission....

Her story is not complete without her Mom. Her Mom has literally battled cancer right along with her child. Two months ago, she underwent a double mastectomy for breast cancer. She came, and I thought she looked lovely. This would be Mom with another one of her children, her son....

I was grateful to be a part of this event. Grateful for our employees who sacrificed a lot of their time to help with the fund raiser. Grateful for people who gave even in tough economic times. Grateful for volunteers who work selflessly behind the scenes....


She and her family will leave for Hawaii on Sunday. ALOHA!!

This post is linked at Emily's Tuesdays Unwrapped

Her turn...

It's funny how different your children are. And it's funny how different your reactions with them can be. When Moose left for camp, I cried like a baby. We dropped Fep off for camp on Sunday evening, and I only teared up a small bit. You'd think it be the opposite....Moose went for only 2 1/2 days to a kid's church retreat. Retreat. Fun, fun, and more fun. Air conditioned bunk houses. Fep is going to camp. Camp. Learning, learning, learning, and a little fun. No air conditioning. None. That is so important to note because our highs for the last 3 days have been in the triple digits. Fep went to an Audubon Ecology Camp. She will learn so much...and before we even left the bird instructor was already impressed and smitten by her. When it's all said and done she will have been gone 5 nights, 4 days. The longest 4 days ever. I'm only 2 days in and it's already been an eternity. So while the tears may not have flowed like they did for Moose, the longing to get my little Fep back is definitely there. I thought about her a gazillion times each day and prayed for her every time I thought of her....Lord let her make a friend...Lord let her be safe...Lord guard her mind and her heart...Lord let this be a great time for her...Lord keep her safe....Lord guard her mind and her heart....over and over with every thought of her. My last image of Fep was her about to cry when it was time for us to leave. I keep thinking of that and it just makes my heart sick. And that really is a good description for my feelings. Though the tears may not have flowed like a faucet...my heart has been sick with the absence of my Fep. I cannot wait to get her back!

Oh Lord, keep her safe....let her have a good time...guard her heart and mind...