Surrender...

"Rather, I think there is something to be said for abandoning our expectations and surrendering to His." ~ Emily Freeman, Chatting at the Sky

Digging deep...

That day had been filled with the ugliness of self and the hurt of lonliness. The pain of being forgotten...or so it seemed. As I continue my 1000 Gifts journey, I find that when I most think of jotting down some gifts is when I need to look for them most. When I need to find the beauty instead of the unlovely. And they come, and sometimes I don't think I'll be able to think of one lovely thing. But then they come....

36. After 7 days of the flu for Fep, a day without fever, healing comes
37. Sunday afternoon nap
38. Sunday afternoon football and rooting for a team I normally wouldn’t. Sometimes you just need to root for those who are down.
39. Moose and his legos
40. Being remembered…so much better than being forgotten!
41. A bittersweet Womens' Christmas Dinner
40. Laughter over a kitten gone wild in our Christmas tree
41. Excellent customer service found at the Apple store. Replaced an iPod for free that was not under warranty.
42. My pup waiting for me, always near, always there. Is there really a friend so faithful as a dog?
43. God's grace, both given and received, is an unbelievable, beautiful journey
44. Christmas Tree shaped Little Debbies
45. Cute reindeer wrapping paper

1000 Gifts

20. Cleaning out three closets!
21. For the first time in weeks, a weekend at home
22. Finding the humility to go to the altar
23. Really realizing that His grace is deeper still…His love is further still
24. Realizing what it takes to give grace and not just receive it
25. Soft kitten paws
26. A purring kitten
27. How when Laura May laughs, she laughs with her whole body
28. My stomach bug was only a 4-Hour bug
29. Mammer’s chocolate pie, comfort food at it’s best

1000 Gifts

I follow her. I read her. I want to approach life as she does. Humble. Real. Grateful. After over a year of following Ann Voskamp, and even seeing Dawn make her own list in the sidebar, this week I started my own 1000 Gifts list. I've tried in the past, but always stopped because it seemed I didn't have the time. I couldn't find the little things and the list just seemed to become so generic. Will this time...would this time be any different?

My day yesterday started off poorly. Work interrupted school too much. But it was Veteran's Day and everybody else had the day off anyway. So, we embraced it and after I finished my work, we had some play time. We went to the library, and at the library, I had a slight little accident with my car. I asked Fep, "It's not too bad is it?" She shakes her hand from side to side with a look of sorrow for me on her face as to say, "I hate it for you...but it's scratched, Mom."
Ugh.

I also went for a hair appointment and wrote the biggest check I've ever written to my hair lady. 2 haircuts, 1 hair weave/color, 1 hair product, and 1 discounted Chi flat iron. I'm just sayin' that Chi purchase was a what a deal. She already had one, but bought another and never used it. She sold it to me for 1/2 price! Can you see my justifying here? Yeah. It was a big check. And I felt so very guilty over pursuing such luxuries. I still feel that guilt this morning.

I sat this morning and thought I need to check in on my 1000 Gift list. I just have to say...this list...this time...this time is different. I sat thinking, "Yesterday was a bad day. I'm going to have to dig hard. What good will I even find? Still remembering the whole car fiasco...still recovering from paying my hair dresser. My head hurt. I went to bed with a headache. I woke up with a headache. What good will I really find? Maybe a couple of gifts to find and add? But this time is different. My list is simple. The gifts are not fancy. But I do find them to be the greatest gifts. This time is different. Maybe it's in our bad days...that's where we can find the most to be grateful for? If we will only take time to look....


11. Mercy found

12. A phone call filled with excitement of the hope that change could possibly bring

13. The understanding, the memories, the knowing that someone else understands deeply – reading I Will Carry You

14.A new revelation and new insight in approaching the Lord found in the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (also found in the book I Will Carry You)


15.A short chat with Heather, her voice soft like her name

16.A complete game of Scrabble with the children, and how cool a scrabble board looks when all the letters starting connecting


17.How soft my hair felt after I had it done

18. An impromptu day off school complete with lunch at Chic Fil A and a trip to the library-relaxing

19. Timothy praying over lunch at Chic Fil A, “Lord help us eat more chicken” which made me laugh and kind of had me wondering if he was being irreverent…but then... followed by a prayer for Veterans. The irreverence gone…


Maybe if I will only take the time to look.....

The next thing....

I'm overflowing with it as of late. Convictions and teaching and knowledge. But what do I do with all of it? Living it all out can be so completely overwhelming. It's so hard when you see your list of want to's and need to's piling up. My list is becoming lengthy, and while it is all to be done in His name and to grow in Him, it's overwhelming. Start a scripture memory plan, take more time to play with my children, contact the Children's Home. And that's rather ironic. I need to find more time with my own children yet we feel led to maybe sponsor and become involved with a child at our local Children's Home. And the list could go on and on. I just know there is something better that He has for me. And I expect it all at once. So, maybe it's just a lack of patience that leads to me being overwhelmed? I just know there is something better He has for me. And I expect it all at once. Or maybe it's a lack of discipline to act on that accumulated knowledge, that conviction? Maybe I'm just still struggling with....self?

It's all so overwhelming......but I find that maybe the living it out is only overwhelming when I try to live it out all at one time. Maybe it's day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Maybe it is just as Elisabeth Elliot said, "Just do the next thing." And maybe the next thing can be done quickly...or maybe the next thing will take some time. The next thing. Not the next ten things. So onward I press, to the next thing. And I know He will be there, too, in the next thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord...

~Jeremiah 29:11

I find myself lately growing and stretching in ways I'm uncomfortable with. Wanting to let go of what is life draining to find and take hold of what is life fulfilling. Again, I'm uncomfortable and I find that the ugliness of my heart greets me at every corner. "The heart is desperately wicked..." the Scriptures so aptly testify. When I talk with Jesus, I say often "Lord, I'm so glad you've shown me this so that I can work on it, so that I can repent....but it's so hard to see who I really am." I'm so thankful for the One who extends grace when He's known all along who I really am. His grace goes further still.

And with this growing and changing, I wonder often what to do with this blog. I barely post anymore, and I wonder is it because I'm still trying to post for others...is it because I'm caught up in the busyness of life I can't find the words or time...is it because I've nothing of worth to say...is it a combination of all of that??? Does this blog give life or does it drain? I've gone private and back public again. Does any of it really matter?

I've decided that maybe it does matter. That maybe this blog gives life. Because most of what is recorded is the goodness that He creates. They are my memories. My loves. My family. Our stories. One day when I'm gone or if something tragic were to happen to me, my husband and children could come to these pages and remember me. The good parts of me that loved the great parts of them.

The flying heart....

It costs a lot of money to go to the fair these days. I had been wanting to go every time I passed by, but I kept thinking how expensive it is. So, even though I have not been in 20 years, I thought we shouldn't spend the money. I knew if I mentioned it to The Bob, he'd be all over it. 1. He's always up for fun. 2. He's not as crabby about money like I am. But one evening, he came home from work and started talking about ride that he had seen that day as he passed by. That was it. It was all I could take. We all happily decided we were going. The next morning I told The Bob, "What if we took our change bucket and wrapped the money in it to help toward the cost." I hadn't lost all my crabby senses about how much it'd cost. His reply, "Do you really think that's necessary?" Me: "Well, it would just help." And he said ok and that it would be good for the kids to see that we don't just spend money like it grows on trees. Cause sometimes they do think that ya know. So the kids and I wrapped the coins and were pleased with our bounty and what the Lord had provided. I told them this way we wouldn't have to worry about how much rides cost, how much a corn dog costs, and we could completely enjoy our fair experience.

There was one member of our family who enjoyed it as it should have been. One who was fearless on rides. One who completely embraced every bit of excitement that he could. Moose. When he rode the ride with his dad in which they take you straight up about 80 ft. in the air and then let you free fall to the bottom, he was fearless. Initially his eyes were big from the shock, but after he released the hoots and hollers of a boy who may have completed a passage to manhood. On a ride that had me screaming, fretting "is this thing gonna hold", and holding on for dear life...Moose held on to nothing. He let loose, held out his arms, and he was flying. And in that moment I saw him flying and the look of joy, contentment, and happiness on his face...my heart was flying, too.

The Real Deal...

The movie Fireproof is one of my fav-o-rite movies. Remember how the black guy at the firehouse loved the Lord and took so much teasing for it? There's one scene in which Kirk Cameron's character tells another fireman character, "Well, we can say what we want to about him. But we both know. He's the real deal." I looooove that line. I hope people say that about me. I hope I come across as the real deal. Real deal people have so much influence for the Lord. I once read a quote that said, "Live your life so that when others talk bad about you that nobody believes it." I wonder when bad things are said about me, is it so easy to believe it...or not? I hope...how I hope not.

"I just want to be a blessing..."

I got that saying from Heather. And you have to say it in a high pitched voice or it just doesn't work. Heather. She's full of sayings.

And I did want to be a blessing. Cause her Mom is real sick. Cause she's taken on her Mom's care. Heather needed milk, and I needed to serve someone other than myself. She wouldn't tell me she needed the milk, but I knew better. So to the store the kids and I went with me reciting through the store, "A loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, and a stick of buttah." { Sesame Street :) }

The strange thing about blessing others is that usually it means just at much to you, too. There are now two hugs that I will always remember in my friendship with Heather. The one she gave me right after Beth died. And the one I gave her when I took her the groceries. It was done with me trying to keep a light spirit in a dark time. Me teasing her about not coming clean about needing the milk and bread. But there was so much more underneath. It was an "I love you Heather you are so precious to me I can't even describe how sorry I am and did I mention that I love you" Hug. Yep, all that in like a 5 second hug.

She needed milk. I needed that hug.

Rejoicing....

The last time I saw her she was a mess. Her younger brother had just died unexpectedly from a heart attack...he was in his mid-twenties. It was the hardest funeral I have ever been to. Ever. At the funeral, her grief was open and raw. She loved him deeply.

But this night was far different. She was radiant. Beaming. The night was hers, and she knew it. It was the wedding she had waited 29 years for. Her brother was not far from our minds, and he was mentioned throughout the night. Yet, we rejoiced. This young lady who through her rebellious teen years found herself pregnant had obviously grown and matured since then. Her wedding honored the Lord and her family. Her daughter, now 10 years old, stood by her Momma during the wedding. And we rejoiced when the groom gave his new daughter a special gift. He called her over during the service and said, "Just like I made a promise to your Momma, I make this promise to you...I will always love you as my own." And he slipped a ring on her little finger just as he had slipped a ring on his bride's finger. The little girl who had been waiting for a father now had one and they hugged their first father-daughter hug. Yes, we rejoiced.

I think often that people who are forgiven much praise much. Tonight I think that people who hurt greatly rejoice greatly.